I straight up have no idea what the hell I am doing most of the time. Sometimes I think I have it mostly figured out and that I am working towards my goals and that everything will fall together as it’s supposed to but most of the time I feel like my life is living me and it’s really frustrating. I don’t want to live a passive life, I don’t want to wake up in one month, one year, five years, 20 years, and look back at my life and have nothing to show for it. But sometimes it seems like that’s whats happening.
I say that because it is true. I have been going through an extremely spiritual transformation in a lot of aspects, but in some I feel I am just stuck in the place I was previously. I am still fearful even though I pretend that I am not, I am still having other people or other influences decide for me even though I fucking hate it. For some reason I feel as if I’m under this zombie spell that I can seem to break and it terrifies me.
Every day I question my existence. Wise people from all walks of life agree that the first step towards change is accepting that you have a problem. Well I have a big fucking problem and I don’t know how to change it.
Is it helping me that I question everything? I sure hope so. Because so far questioning everything really hasn’t lead me anywhere but down a rabbit hole that I can’t seem to climb out of. I’m not trying to be dramatic or anything, I just feel that there is so much more to life than what is currently presenting itself to me and I don’t really know how to change it.
I feel like I need to get the fuck out of here and start anew but running away from my problems will not do anything either. They will follow me wherever I go because I am not fully happy with myself internally. I know that is the solution, but how do I get there?
Don’t get me wrong, I have days where everything feels wonderful. I feel a sense of purpose at my job and that the steps I am taking there will help me in the future. I go to yoga and meditate and breathe and live moment to moment forgetting about the past and future and just focus on the now.
And then there are the other days, the more common ones. The days where I feel like a robotic slave to the system. I have barely any money to get past the bare minimum of living, I have no time to myself- time to write, be creative, or work towards goals that seem to have been a dream forever with no chance of real manifestation.
Cue the anger- the resentment – the sadness. And I am always, ALWAYS, on the giving and receiving end of those feelings. I get mad at myself for not taking more action. I get mad for not doing the things that set my soul on fire. I get sad that I live a life that I know I don’t thoroughly enjoy, and it’s my fault and my fault alone. I get resentful that I am a smart woman who could’ve probably chosen any career in her life, chose to be an accountant because her mom told her to, and fucking hates anything to do with sitting behind a desk but couldn’t suck it up like the rest of the world and did it anyway so I have some money in my savings and to have a decent social life .
Sometimes I wish I was “normal” – asleep. I sometimes wish that I didn’t have this longing to do something more. But then I get mad at myself for thinking that because it’s fucking stupid. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know how to force myself to take more action in the direction of my dream life while being happy in the present moment and the now.
I don’t know how to not worry SO much about the future even though I’ve read hundreds of books on the subject that seem to all offer such great advice on the matter.
The spiritual part of me is longing to be explored and deepen but the human part of me is tired of always questioning everything.
I don’t know how to get my ego to shut up.
I don’t know how to get my life together.
I don’t know how to be completely happy where I am when I know I’m meant for SO much more than this.
So for now – all I do know – is that I had to write about it.
I had to get it out of my head before it drove me crazy because it always does.Maybe this is what I have to do?
I am so spiritually bi-polar.
I am probably one of the most positive people you will ever meet.
I have advice for everyone and I usually have a knack for helping people feel better.But for some reason – I can’t help myself.
I affirm. I pray. I practice yoga. I meditate. I write inspirational musings and truly feel them when I write them. And then I swing all the way to the other end of the spectrum and don’t know which way is up or down. I get so lost in all of the details and confusion that I feel paralyzed.
I want balance.
And not the type of balance that is visible on the outside – because that I have down to a science.
I know how to deal with people well. I am very diplomatic. I can see all sides and all perspectives. But I think that’s what eventually leads to my downfall.
I take everyone into consideration – their feelings – their actions – their words.
I understand all of it, all of them – and if I don’t (which is rare) I dig deep until I do.I never thought of this as a bad thing until recently.
I give everyone second, third, hundredth chances, and gladly because I believe people are capable of change – I’ve changed so much over my life (especially over the last few years).
Its just hard to exist in a world where you feel you love unconditionally but do not receive that in return. I’ve recently discovered that I am so starved for attention that I’ll look for it in all of the wrong places. I believe I need to be truly alone to understand myself again but subconsciously shutter at the thought of being lonely.
My life is one huge contradiction.
Gemini problems man, they’re a do0zy.
So here I am rattling off in hundreds of directions and still not sure where its leading, but I do feel better. So maybe this is the cure. Well, not maybe – I know I am meant to write. I know I am meant to do something with it. I am meant to heal through words and energy.
I am meant to continue meditating and praying and doing yoga. I am meant to move my body and feed it the right things. I am meant to learn everyday. I am meant to create everyday. I am meant to grow everything. And I am doing that – even though I am blind to my progress a lot of the time.
So I leave this page accomplishing just that- I’ve learned, created, and grown…
I guess that ain’t half bad.
Until next time lovelies –