life.

life.

I straight up have no idea what the hell I am doing most of the time.  Sometimes I think I have it mostly figured out and that I am working towards my goals and that everything will fall together as it’s supposed to but most of the time I feel like my life is living me and it’s really frustrating. I don’t want to live a passive life, I don’t want to wake up in one month, one year, five years, 20 years, and look back at my life and have nothing to show for it.  But sometimes it seems like that’s whats happening.

I say that because it is true.  I have been going through an extremely spiritual transformation in a lot of aspects, but in some I feel I am just stuck in the place I was previously.  I am still fearful even though I pretend that I am not, I am still having other people or other influences decide for me even though I fucking hate it.  For some reason I feel as if I’m under this zombie spell that I can seem to break and it terrifies me.

Every day I question my existence.  Wise people from all walks of life agree that the first step towards change is accepting that you have a problem. Well I have a big fucking problem and I don’t know how to change it.

Is it helping me that I question everything?   I sure hope so. Because so far questioning everything really hasn’t lead me anywhere but down a rabbit hole that I can’t seem to climb out of.  I’m not trying to be dramatic or anything, I just feel that there is so much more to life than what is currently presenting itself to me and I don’t really know how to change it.

I feel like I need to get the fuck out of here and start anew but running away from my problems will not do anything either. They will follow me wherever I go because I am not fully happy with myself internally.  I know that is the solution, but how do I get there?

Don’t get me wrong, I have days where everything feels wonderful.  I feel a sense of purpose at my job and that the steps I am taking there will help me in the future.  I go to yoga and meditate and breathe and live moment to moment forgetting about the past and future and just focus on the now.

And then there are the other days, the more common ones.  The days where I feel like a robotic slave to the system.  I have barely any money to get past the bare minimum of living, I have no time to myself- time to write, be creative, or work towards goals that seem to have been a dream forever with no chance of real manifestation.

Cue the anger- the resentment – the sadness.  And I am always, ALWAYS, on the giving and receiving end of those feelings.  I get mad at myself for not taking more action.  I get mad for not doing the things that set my soul on fire.  I get sad that I live a life that I know I don’t thoroughly enjoy, and it’s my fault and my fault alone.  I get resentful that I am a smart woman who could’ve probably chosen any career in her life, chose to be an accountant because her mom told her to, and fucking hates anything to do with sitting behind a desk but couldn’t suck it up like the rest of the world and did it anyway so I have some money in my savings and to have a decent social life .

Sometimes I wish I was “normal” – asleep.  I sometimes wish that I didn’t have this longing to do something more.  But then I get mad at myself for thinking that because it’s fucking stupid.  I just don’t know what to do anymore.  I don’t know how to force myself to take more action in the direction of my dream life while being happy in the present moment and the now.

I don’t know how to not worry SO much about the future even though I’ve read hundreds of books on the subject that seem to all offer such great advice on the matter.

The spiritual part of me is longing to be explored and deepen but the human part of me is tired of always questioning everything.

I don’t know how to get my ego to shut up.
I don’t know how to get my life together.
I don’t know how to be completely happy where I am when I know I’m meant for SO much more than this.

So for now – all I do know – is that I had to write about it.
I had to get it out of my head before it drove me crazy because it always does.Maybe this is what I have to do?

I am so spiritually bi-polar.
I am probably one of the most positive people you will ever meet.
I have advice for everyone and I usually have a knack for helping people feel better.But for some reason – I can’t help myself.

I affirm.  I pray.  I practice yoga.  I meditate.  I write inspirational musings and truly feel them when I write them.  And then I swing all the way to the other end of the spectrum and don’t know which way is up or down.  I get so lost in all of the details and confusion that I feel paralyzed.

I want balance.
And not the type of balance that is visible on the outside – because that I have down to a science.
I know how to deal with people well.  I am very diplomatic.  I can see all sides and all perspectives.  But I think that’s what eventually leads to my downfall.

I take everyone into consideration – their feelings – their actions – their words.
I understand all of it, all of them – and if I don’t (which is rare) I dig deep until I do.I never thought of this as a bad thing until recently.

I give everyone second, third, hundredth chances, and gladly because I believe people are capable of change – I’ve changed so much over my life (especially over the last few years).

Its just hard to exist in a world where you feel you love unconditionally but do not receive that in return. I’ve recently discovered that I am so starved for attention that I’ll look for it in all of the wrong places.  I believe I need to be truly alone to understand myself again but subconsciously shutter at the thought of being lonely.

My life is one huge contradiction.
Gemini problems man, they’re a do0zy.

So here I am rattling off in hundreds of directions and still not sure where its leading, but I do feel better. So maybe this is the cure.  Well, not maybe – I know I am meant to write.  I know I am meant to do something with it.  I am meant to heal through words and energy.

I am meant to continue meditating and praying and doing yoga.  I am meant to move my body and feed it the right things.  I am meant to learn everyday.  I am meant to create everyday.  I am meant to grow everything.  And I am doing that – even though I am blind to my progress a lot of the time.

So I leave this page accomplishing just that- I’ve learned, created, and grown…

I guess that ain’t half bad.
Until next time lovelies –

 

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Quarter Life

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Yesterday was my birthday and I’m 25.
25 is going to be my year, I can totally feel it.

It was a beautiful day amongst days where the weather has acted more like fall than late spring. I went to the beach and out to dinner with my parents and family friend, had a few drinks and went home.  My birthday festivities will continue this weekend and next, I am actually participating in something I have never done before, celebrating myself.

There is this notion in the world that at this age millennials are experiencing this life changing drama called a quarter life crisis.  I totally understand it but at the same time I choose to look at it a bit differently.  I joke about my quarter life crisis but I feel like its actually an amazing age of discovery.  We’re all just trying to figure out who we are and this is the age most of us are doing it at, that awkward realization that we are actually adults, even when we don’t necessarily act like it.

In many ways I feel like a child.  At times this is absolutely amazing since I think holding on to our inner child is extremely important.  At others its a huge curse, I’m currently living at home and still basically supported by my parents, I never really had to stand on my own two feet and the pressure of adulthood is continuing causing havoc on my life.  I just started a part-time accounting job and am in the midst of starting another one, two things I am grateful for but also kind of resentful at since I think my life purpose is beyond greater than just sitting in an office and crunching numbers until I’m old enough to retire. This is all a path to a path but its hard to see the big picture when you’re on the journey.

Being 25 is a blessing, as every birthday is.  It’s a beginning and a continuation, just as all birthdays are.  I feel the same and different.  It’s an odd sensation really.  Last year, I was in Florida with my ex boyfriend celebrating my birthday, this year I was at home with my parents.  My life looks so absolutely different at 25 than what my expectations had concocted.  I’m not established in a career that I love, I’m not completely financially independent, I live at home, I’m single, and I have no idea what the fuck is next.  But as I wrote on my birthday post, “It looks nothing like I thought it would, but that makes it even more beautiful”.  If everything turned out as expected, the mystery and beauty of life wouldn’t exist.  Everyone would be doing the same thing, because it yielded the same results.  We’d all try and make lots of money through hardwork, retire, and die.  My purpose on this Earth is grand and miraculous, even though I’m not entirely sure how it will unfold.  Only time will tell, and I’m looking to enjoy the ride along the way.

So happy quarter life to me,
crisis adverted.

 

Triggers

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Its funny that I found this quote and it has a mountain (see my post: moving mountains)

But anyway, this post is about triggers. Those damn things that remind you of things that you don’t want to think about.

Tonight was a sad night for me. It was really hard, even though not much happened; no traumatic experience, no real drama, just the thoughts in my head that decided to make their way into my consciousness and consume me.

I really try and stay positive about my break up.  I’m trying to focus on the good behind it and believe that the reason behind it all will unfold in time.  I’m a believer in the law of attraction and the truth that everything happens for a reason… but tonight, it was very hard to think that way.

I’m trying to distract myself because I’ve heard that if you go out and try to act as if everything is alright then eventually it will be.  Last night I did just that and it actually worked out great.  I felt like I could see myself as a “single” girl.  It didn’t feel wrong, it felt like the possibilities were endless and I had a sense of freedom that I haven’t had in 4 years and 2 months.  But tonight, it did not feel that way. At all.

This week I moved out of our apartment, mostly by myself. I rented a moving van and moved everything out alone. I lifted heavy bags and boxes with an injured ankle up and down a staircase almost a hundred times.  I was an independent woman who felt accomplished and felt that I could take anything that was thrown my way because I pushed through gracefully and had a sense of strength that I never even knew that I had.  My world had come crashing down and I was the one who single-handedly put the pieces back together.  I moved back in with my parents and slept soundly the first night out of my old home.  Tonight is the second night here and now things feel different.

I don’t feel so strong.  I feel somewhat defeated.  I was doing so great and now I’m not.   Now I am really sad.

I decided to go out and before I walked into the bar I felt like I had to reactivate my Facebook and see if he changed his relationship status to single. I had a feeling that he did, and I was right.  I felt weak, like I was going to faint.  I had gotten through a traumatic week of moving out without a snag and now it all hit me at once.  The virtual world now knows that he’s single and that broke my heart all over again.  I thought I’d be able to handle it but it hurt so fucking bad.

Going out tonight was weird.  I was with one of my best friends and I love that she was there for me but it all felt so wrong.  I can’t believe that I’m single.  I can’t believe that I’m not going home to him.  It feels so foreign and I keep hoping that its just a nightmare that I’ll wake up from but unfortunately it’s my current reality.

People usually talk about their past relationships in a negative way (Myself included).  My first long term relationship ended and I look back and know that the guy was not the right one for me.  I don’t even think that he was my first real love anymore.  People always pick apart the horrible things their past lover did, the flaws that were deal breakers.  I keep looking for that and it doesn’t exist.  He was a great person.  He was handsome, successful, motivated, kind.  I honestly think that he was mostly perfect.  We had some problems, but they are all things that I would gladly look passed.  I wanted the relationship to work so badly.  I tried so hard and it didn’t work.  I wish I could’ve made it work.  There was a point in our relationship that everything was absolutely perfect.  We were madly in love and everything was right.  How could we have strayed so far from that?   I feel like it was my fault and I don’t know what to do about it.  I feel like I fucked everything up.  Our love fizzled out somehow and I just want it to go back to the way it was.  I miss him so much.  I keep trying to look at the problems and the reasons why it didn’t work out and all I can see is how I managed to push away the best person I’ve ever known.

Maybe I’ll feel different tomorrow.  Maybe I’ll be positive and feel like it’s all going to be okay, but right now it doesn’t feel that way at all. Every song I hear reminds me of him.  Every person in the bar has the same name as him.  I literally heard people chanting his name at one of the bars I was at tonight.  On my drive home I just kept thinking how miserable it was that I wasn’t driving to the place that me and him used to call home, how I am going home to sleep by myself, without him.  Everything is a trigger and I don’t know how to make it stop.

Everything is a reminder of the life I had with him that no longer exists.

Moving Mountains

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This title was reserved for my first blog post, but I felt an introduction was necessary. Then it was intended for my second post, but my boyfriend and I broke up so that took priority over everything else.  So without further ado, I present my 3rd post; Moving Mountains.

About two weeks ago I had a phone session with an intuitive that my mom recommended I try out.  Her name is Stephanie and she can contact people who have transitioned into souls, something I’ve experienced before from psychic-mediums, and intuitive, and occasionally, myself.  What I was very interested in was something different about her than most people I’ve come across, she can also contact higher selves of people who are still having their Earthly human experience, including your own.  I believe that all of us have access to our higher selves on a daily basis, but we all choose to ignore that part of ourselves at one time or another [some people more than others].  Even though I am very spiritual, I don’t necessary trust every psychic-medium or intuitive that fall onto my path.  I consider myself a good judge of character and usually ask angels and guides to send me a sign of some sort to make sure my reading is accurate and in my best interest.  I trust my angels and guides immensely.  Speaking with Stephanie was very enlightening and it came at a time where I was open to receive her insight.

She asked me what I wanted to talk about, and naturally I turned to my current job search since it’s been a huge issue in my life.  Then I went on to my relationship, and for privacy reasons I won’t discuss that much further.  Finally, I asked to contact my father who passed 11 days before my 5th birthday.  Just as a frame of reference, I am turning 25 next month.  His message was extremely profound.   I asked about him with only a minute left in my session and his response was “[Oh my sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet daughter.  Why did you choose me last?  I could’ve filled this entire time with the messages I want to tell you.  I guess I’ll have to be brief and choose my words wisely.  You are extremely strong, and so am I.  I have so much strength that there is literally nothing that you and I can’t accomplish together.  And anytime I need help, there are many others beside me who can help me get what you want accomplished.  Anytime you see a mountain, know that this our sign.  You and I can move mountains together.]”

I’m paraphrasing a bit from memory but that was the gist of his message.

Whenever I’m asking for help, I usually ask Archangel Michael to protect or guide me, and I vaguely call upon other angels and ascended masters but not specifically by name.  I never realized that I could call upon my Dad to help me in the way I call upon other angels, so I decided to give it a go.

The next day in the car, I prayed aloud, OKAY DAD, SEND ME SOME MOUNTAINS.
Not even a minute later, I drove past a house and there sitting in the driveway was a car with a sticker promoting their law firm, in which the scenery was a mountain next to water.  I couldn’t believe how fast we had manifested that sign together.

The day after that, I asked for another mountain sign while driving and I took a turn that I usually never take and even questioned myself… “why did I take that turn?” And the answer came to me when I saw a huge Coors Light truck stuck in the middle of a small road, which had a huge mountain range stretched across.

The day after that, I woke up and went onto Instagram, and the first post was a picture of a mountain necklace:  The description stated that it was a promotion and they were giving it away for free, all the customer has to do is pay is shipping costs.  I bought it immediately.

Many people think I’m crazy for thinking the way I do. People don’t understand my belief in signs and synchronicity and my knowing that nothing is coincidental.  But no one can take away what I know is true in my heart and in my soul.  I’ve spent too much of my life hiding who I am but I choose to take a different path now.  I choose the path of least resistance; the path that leads me to joy; the path that brings me closer to God, angels, nature, and most importantly, my true self.

Having been through what I have been through this past weekend, I need all of the strength I can get.  I had anticipated that I would be stuck in bed for the next week at least, and possibly weeks after that.  I’m not really sure what the mourning period for a 4 year relationship is, but I would say that it is typically longer than one night and one full day.  After praying to my Dad and the other angels, I can only assume they are the ones behind this strength, because somehow, someway, I got out of bed and left the house today.  I went out in public looking like a complete hot mess, saw my mom and one of my best friends, and even attempted to eat even though I have absolutely no appetite. I was able to stomach 1/3rd of an omelet and 1/8th of a piece of toast.  But I didn’t eat anything yesterday so I would say thats progress.

Who knows if I’ll be able to get out of bed tomorrow?  Only time will tell.  I understand that this is a process, and I have to take it one step at a time.  Every emotion I feel is valid, even if no one understands it.  I was fine today, but maybe I will be a wreck when I wake up.  That’s okay.  But I’m still going to pray for strength tonight, and ask my Dad and anyone else for help.  I’m still processing what’s going on, as there is a lot of confusion and open-ended questions surrounding the situation.  I know that everything happens for a reason, and even though I know this will all be for the best, its hard to see the situation clearly from where I am, from this present moment.  I’ve learned a lot of things in the past day, so I can only hope I continue to learn from this experience.  Among all of the uncertainties, there is one thing I know for sure:

Whatever life throws at me, I can get through it. 

My energy is strong enough to move mountains, of course with some help from God, my Dad, angels & guides looking after me.
And my family and friends as well.

 

Commit to You- Part 1

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Yesterday was a very difficult day for me to think about, let alone write about.  It started off pretty normal, I got up way after *he* did, then I headed in for my first day at my best friend’s mom dental office since I still haven’t been able to find a job 4 months out of college.  She told me to bring a book because the day gets very slow so I opted for two books that I’ve been trying to read for a while now but never actually got around to reading.  The day went by and I was pretty busy but the last patient came in and I had about 2 hours to spare, so I picked up Warrior Goddess Training by Heathenish Amara and dug straight in.

This book is a guide to being a Warrior Goddess, it is a spiritual transformation that I openly wanted to embark on, but now it comes to me at a time where I don’t just want it but I need it.  In her preface, she states that the day her book was published, her husband moved out.  I felt the pain of that statement somewhat harshly because after living with someone for 2 and a half years and being together for a little over 4, I understood what it would feel like to lose someone, your best friend. I didn’t realize how much harder I would understand that pain at the moment, but it was coming to me full forced and just a few hours later.

The Universe is a sneaky bastard sometimes. 

Lesson One in the book is entitled: Commit to You.

I read the words and knew they were what I’ve been needing to do for a long time, but I didn’t know how to apply them to my life. I’ve always committed myself to someone else.  What does my life even look like when I focus entirely on me?  What is it like to be alone?  How would I even be able to do that? Now I have absolutely no choice, because the universe has sent me the ultimate sign that it is time to live for me and not for anyone else.

At 10:00PM we decided it was time to take a break.  To me, that is pretty much a break up, and I’m still very iffy on the details.  Apparently there’s no concrete rules in breaks.  It was a painful and somewhat mutual agreement by the end but he was the one who brought it up, which only adds more heartache to the situation.  We live together so making a clean break is virtually impossible unless someone leaves. Residing in an apartment above his grandparent’s house, it only makes sense that I will be doing the leaving. It never has really felt like our place, more like his place with me transfused into it.  It’s too small for us, not that its a very small apartment, but we have no space to be away from each other.  Us living together has put more strain on the relationship than bringing us closer.  We’ve become bitter roommates instead of what we used to be, happy lovers.

Being in a relationship at the start of adulthood is extremely difficult, and dare I say, almost doomed to fail at one point or another.  I started dating him when I was 20 and he was 19.  He went to school for mechanical engineering and has job in the field.  I was always switching majors and finally completed schooling in December, but still haven’t found a job in Accounting and I’m pretty sure that I don’t want to either.  I have no source of income except for what my parents have provided me, and that also strained us living together.  He is always working, and when he’s home, he wants to go to the gym and relax, which is understandable but I also have needs that aren’t being met in the relationship. Since I have no job all I do is basically wait around for him to get home.  I think that our relationship would have worked out just fine had I gotten a job right away and was in the same position as him, but I’m not.  He’s found his passion and is typically a workaholic, and I’m still figuring things out.  I’ve built my life upon decisions that I thought would make others happy, which has basically only lead to my own unhappiness, indecisiveness, and utter state of confusion. I take judgment to heart, my go-to emotion is sadness instead of anger.  I direct all faults and all confrontation inward. I’m the kind of person who cares more about other people than herself most of the time and its been the cause of many painful experiences.  Being extremely sensitive to energy I also take on emotions harder than most, and I take on the emotions of others as well. All of these factors were just fuel to the fire of our failing relationship. I have no idea who I am and it has been established that I can’t figure it out while I’m living with and completely dependent on my boyfriend.  All of these things make complete sense to my brain, I actually agree with the decision, but my heart is breaking.  It actually feels like it has left my body.  If they cut me open, they’d find a huge void space where it should be.

I miss being happy.  I miss him.  I miss the way things used to be.  But mostly, I miss having the comforting illusion that we would make it through anything and end up together in the end.

This “break” is what we both need, but I certainly do not want it.  I know he’s claustrophobic in our relationship, and as I held on tighter, it only made things worse.  So now here I am, having to move out, and not knowing if we will ever really be together again.  I have two options, I can either cry and scream and get depressed and pick apart everything I could’ve did differently to make it work, or I can cry and scream and then take it in as the much needed lesson that has been presented to me at this point in time.

I never put myself first.  I never do things solely based on my own decision.  I don’t know who I am outside of this relationship. And I will never know who I am unless I stop using other people to define me.

So here I am, heartbroken, sad, crying, and fucking miserable, but I am way stronger than my emotions.  My spirit is very strong and it has been trying to get me to take inspired action for a very long time, and now is the time to listen to her.  I might feel like my world has completely fallen apart, but sometimes thats necessary so I can restart, rebuild, and start knowing myself again.

Is there a part of me that wish that this didn’t happen.  Hell yes. Do I wish I could change the circumstances at this point in time, hell yes to that too.  Do I think we can still get back together, absolutely.  Am I going to depend on that? Hell no.  I can’t even think about what will happen with this relationship right now.  It hurts too much to think of being hopeful and getting my heart broken once again.  It hurts too much to think of this being completely over.  The only way to find out these things is to focus on myself, and I know the rest will fall into place.  Everything will happen in the way that it is supposed to happen, if it is meant to be it will be.

So now I’m moving out, moving on, and moving up.
I have to finally, for once, Commit to Me.

I am a Warrior Goddess, hear me roar. 

 

my blog intention

my blog intention

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I used to be a skeptic when it came to the concept of God or divine intervention. Basically anything that couldn’t be seen or tangibly experience was something worth doubting in my mind. This non-believer tendency was rooted in many things but mostly due to experiences that closed my mind to the idea that everything happened for a reason or that there was some cosmic connection in the world.  Slowly but surely, my faith shifted: I am now a full believer in the interconnectedness of my world with the world around me, the physical and more importantly, non-physical world.

I consider myself to be a spiritual being, and I believe that we are all souls having a human experience.  I’m also an old soul, a very old soul.  Even so, there are many times that I forget the truth: the truth that I am connected to everyone and everything, and in this time of forgetfulness it’s hard to see the signs that are all around me.  Sometimes, I find it hard to get out of bed, to do what I am ‘supposed’ to do, to have faith that everything is working out the way it is meant to be.  I feel the pressure of the doubters (I am very sensitive to energy, positive and negative, and consume them like a vacuum).  My new intention in life is to separate the fearful energy from myself because it is an illusion, albeit, a very persistent one. My new focus is on the love, the positive energy, the energy that makes me smile, laugh, and believe in the good in the world, the one that inspires me.  Writing is one of the ways I focus on that positive energy, it’s something I’m passionate about, even though it took me about 10 blogs and 10 years to actually manifest it into a reality.  I’ve opened domains and left them hanging, because I felt the inspiration and then let it fade, I didn’t take the inspired action to put how I feel out into the inter-web, until now. Inspiration is my new guru.

This blog is meant to be a reminder to myself that the signs exist, and when I am open to receive them, they flood in continuously and sometimes overwhelmingly.  I’ve read so many new-age and spiritual works by writers who I believe truly understand the essence of our existence, such as Doreen Virtue, Abraham-Hicks, Gabby Bernstein, Deepak Chopra, Wayne Dyer, and so many others.  I’ve looked to them to help me validate that I am on the path and that I am getting closer to being “enlightened”, but I should’ve been looking within myself instead.  Their words are beautiful, truthful, and powerful, but I do not need them to tell me the steps I need to take in order to fulfill my life purpose, the only person who truly can take those steps is me. They all know that truth, which is definitely why they are manifesting so many spiritual seekers on their journey; the people who want to hear them speak, read their books, and follow their guides, which is perfect for whoever is led to do that. But now is the time for me to be my own spiritual teacher.  I will forever be grateful for their words and tools, and will continue to use them, but now I will also incorporate my own intuition, guidance, and tools into the mix.

If the only thing I get out of writing is a sense of catharsis, it will have been well worth it.  But honestly, my ultimate hope is that maybe along the way to my own self-discovery, I can help some others on their journey as well; reminding any reader that they are unique, beautiful, and always surrounded by God, guides, loved ones, angels, and whatever else is out there,  who want to help all of us be our best selves and fulfill our life purpose(s).

With love, light, & gratitude, I welcome you to my blog.